childhood...

I am the oldest of 6 children and the only one walking this journey to date. I have to walk through ALL of it or I shall be unable to move forward and do what I am supposed to do, become the woman I am supposed to be in life. 

Vision I have had: Momma & two of my sisters are sitting on a worn out fence. They are yelling at me, angry yelling. At first I am unable to hear what they are saying as my hand on the doorknob of the closet begins to slowly turn it. 

The closet door opens all the way and so many skeletons like dead bodies that were picked clean by vultures, have come tumbling out. By now I can really hear the screaming from momma and my sisters. They are furious that I have opened this door and let all the skeletons out. Icy looks of disapproval from all three of them. I had no idea there were so many secrets within our family...

Making THE Call...

A work day like most others I was driving along Highway 491 in Lecanto on my way to check in for my day's patient roster. I was a CNA with Hospice of Citrus County, Florida. Upon entering the building to get morning report,my nurse, Jill T. looked at me and asked me if I was ok. I recall shaking my head yes and bursting into tears. There must have been something about me Jill observed as I felt fine that morning, or so I thought.

Into an unoccupied office we went. With my hands shaking I managed to press the correct buttons the first go round and reach CASA to call for help. With my voice cracking I began to speak and made my first appointment for what would begin my first year of weekly therapy. The "Emergency Stage" it was called or so I was told by my counselor.

My first counselor and the start of my journey

My first counselor was amazing and we really connected. I would find out later down the road just how blessed I was as so many people have issues in locating a good therapist/counselor. I was blessed all through my journey with as you will discover, if you decide to walk with me...
Catherine A. was amazing and I grew through working with her and also attended a small group after awhile. A group of female incest survivors that was beginning to be good for me, helped me. Then one day we were informed that the group, OUR Group, had to disband because a court ordered group for male abusers had to meet and they needed our night...So many emotions, anger, disbelief and frustration. Now what were we to do???The courts ordered CASA to do the male abuser's group and we got bumped off.  Lovely...

I never could find another group to attend and depression tugged at my soul.
My primary Dr. had placed me on medication for depression which was definitely helping.  Before that I was so deep in an abyss I could not even see a glimmer of light.

"depression" 

THE DARKNESS 

surrounds me 

an abyss 

forever to enclose me 

i try to climb out 

but all the rungs on the ladder 

are broken 

i grasp for the rope 

but that is frayed 

i SHOUT for HELP 

but no - one hears 

my CRIES 

the WALLS are HIGH 

forged in THICK STEEL 

the rains come 

and they are HEAVY 

i FEAR 

i will DROWN 

if i cannot ESCAPE this DARKNESS 

that grips me 

like DEATH 

i am so confused

I had certain dates my body would literally "gear up for" and panic attacks, bad ones would happen. Freezing up in the store because I could not recall what I was there for, or once yanking my then teenage son out from behind me at the grocery store. I freaked out whenever Anyone was behind me.

SO much has happened in my life and I never realized just How affected I was by it all until that day I walked into work and Jill looked  at me.....
Since the day I began therapy with Catherine A. at CASA in Inverness, FL I have learned so much about myself and the damage done to my "little girl."
It was Catherine who introduced me to  Shakti Gawain and creative visualization.  Awesome material and great healing tool. It began to open up emotions, emotions which I was not sure I could handle.

The beginning of my journey from hell towards healing...

The idea to blog my story came from a dear friend and I am so appreciative of her for this as I had literally NO clue how to put my train wreckage of a past into story form for a book. Every time I attempted to pen anything past my Dedication I was lost lol. Laurie I love you my dear friend. This is going to be the best way for me to purge the poison.

My story will bounce for sure, from decade to decade, from memory to memory and everywhere in between. I will write whatever hits me at that moment.
And so I begin...